Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My breasts were aching with rage.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
