I am midnight drunk by noon
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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