Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
