1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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