3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
