I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
