I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
