Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
