Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
