A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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