remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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