Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
