I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
