I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
