You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
As shirtless as possible
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
