Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
