As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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