She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
