His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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