Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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