Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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