I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
