Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
