He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
