im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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