There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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