It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
