someone get that fucking seahorse.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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