Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Farmville is her only friend.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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