i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he was CRYING into my vagina
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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