Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
