mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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