you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
