I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
