is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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