Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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