I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
