just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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