I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
