Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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