apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
