my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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