I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
