You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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