Ambien. No doubt about it.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
