no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
