How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
