Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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