dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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