On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
