I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
